How to get a frigging boyfriend
Step 1. Listen to some heavy music. Step 2. Stop beating yourself up Step 3. Figure out what you actually want at what time
Step 1 Don’t numb your feelings
Pop music is for the car. In earbuds Charli XCX’s okay, but any Dr. Luke-style stuff tickles my eardrums not like the feather in 40 Days and 40 Nights. It’s too detailed, too unweighty. Too sexual. Earbuds are for rap and indie and hardass music. The feelings settle better. My first temp shift at this finance firm, I walked out listening to Lack of Interest, GENNY, Ivy and Anal Cunt, all the way up to Central Park from Midtown, where I dry-heaved with anxiety. It got better. It’s not numbing. Guys like girls with feelings :)
Step 2 Stop beating yourself up
It’s not your fault you’re surrounded by buffoons.
Step 3 Be real with them and yourself
Sometimes you date somebody both for casual sex at the beginning and a romantic thing later. This twisty-turny setup is bound to wreck your shit. You better be as honest as fucking possible if you’re pulling this. Even if it’s corny. Seek self-awareness and pick what you really mean.
Step 4 Get off the apps sometimes
The apps are scary and freaky and it’s okay to talk to strangers sometimes. I’m not advocating for PUA shit that’s crazy. But you can strike up a conversation with somebody. It may seem insanely difficult but they don’t even know you so who cares. Just be nice about it.
Step 5 Get out of the bars and into a hobby
You need to have stuff you care about outside of drinking and work so that you can meet people (and also have a more fulfilling life yadayada.) Maybe even that Zogsports stuff they’re always moving my curbs at TF West for. Softball, league soccer, knitting club, live music, uh I don’t know. I live in New York there’s so much to do here. I understand that regular people often move around for work, and end up in Tucson, Arizona and really have to look. Or they’re in New York, from Tucson, and their identity is being the tattooed person at their PR firm and having cocktails. Those people need to find stuff to do. Stick and poke yourself. It might just be your own bloodborne illness to which you’re reexposing yourself.
Step 6 Keep up with the homies
Everybody knows somebody, man. A lot of heads are single. Ask around! Meet new people. Go to those bars and parties I just said you should go to less of. Have your girlfriends gas you up and go buy a guy a drink
Step 7 Look outside your uh type
You are not Carrie and finance guys are not going to roll up to the bar knowing about culture or astrology or whatever. You’re an artist. You have too much heart to really stick with one of those guys.
Step 8 Engage with your extant network
There is no reason a liberal arts brainlet in a large-to-midsize town should not at least have acquaintances from college. If you’ve burned out all the homies, dig deeper. Guy you kissed once before you knew you were gay. Guy you kissed once and said ew because you thought you were gay. Girl who rapped half of “The Infamous” to you outside the Campus Center during orientation.
Step 9 Don’t leave your number with the bartender
That’s not a vibe he’s working bro. He probably read you as a bad tipper and turned up the sarcasm. You’re a great girl and he needs that 15 dollars. He’s Australian this is the best job he’s had in this hemisphere.
Step 10 *Sigh* Go to therapy
Get a therapist that makes you feel like dogshit by the second or third session. That means it’s working. Get somebody who’ll take you to task. That’s more important than whether or not they share your identity, or they remind you of a parent or you’re attracted to them or whatever. They work for you. Your friends and loved ones are supposed to comfort; your therapist helps you make your life better.
Step 11 Bask in it - whatever it is
You’re not a wasteoid because you can’t get a date. You’ve got stuff you understand. You’ve got money in the bank, and friends maybe, fun stuff you do occasionally. Maybe your job doesn’t suck. There’s scores of shit to be proud of, baby.